Transfer Day

I dressed for good luck on my transfer day! Socks said "Stick baby stick" My dinosauer necklace stands for strength My sweatshirt said "My heart is full" Camo shirt for being a warrior I'm not usually a freak about good luck or symbolism but I couldn't help myself. It is such an emotional process and I felt the need to make everything meaningful. My doctor said they had never seen anyone wear socks like that and took pictures which I actually found surprising. I was so excited, happy, nervous, my coping mechanism is talking a lot of joking about everything. We laughed a ton while waiting to get taking into the surgical suite. My favorite part of any procedure is the drugs - as terrible as that sounds. But it helps me relax and not panic. When we got all set up in the procedure room our embryologist came in and said she enjoyed babysitting our embryo. Our little girl! She said she was perfectly well behaved and was right up my ally with all her jokes! They have a camera set up so we got to watch our embryo get sucked up into the tube, brought into the room and watch her be placed in my uterus by ultrasound. And then that was it - it was over. I had our little embryo inside my already! It was a little surreal.

I was progesterone which makes me SOOO bloated so I started looking pregnant right off the bat which I loved and hated all at the same time. I wanted so badly for it to be real it played tricks on my mind. I finally got the courage to pee on a stick. It was positive!! I had just known I was pregnant so even though it felt surreal I wasn't shocked. I was pregnant with a little girl and was beyond thrilled it was finally happening for us. I would pee on a stick every morning and every night for a week. I just couldn't stop and I needed the reassurance everyday that she was growing. Until finally one day my stick didn't show a line... I immediately called my doctor and they ran some test. Called back with bad news but said it wasn't over yet and would keep monitoring me. I knew it was going to be over soon and felt my world was little crumbling around me. Monday morning they ran more tests and confirmed the baby had died. By Wednesday I was bleeding and miscarrying our little girl. Knowing the gender made it that much harder. I was mad, and so confused. I felt like maybe we would never have a baby, I went into the office on Wednesday and demanded every test under the sun to finally get to the bottom of why I couldn't stay pregnant. Nothing about 5 miscarriages seamed normal to me. We did more tests, more procedures, and hired another specialist out of California. At this point I was having nightmares about doctor visits, procedures, nightmares about miscarrying. I won't go into details about the nightmares but I hated going to bed. I knew once I fell asleep my mind would be flooded with all the trauma over the last few years of trying to have another baby. I felt consumed, damaged, traumatized, angry, yet so grateful for the daughter I did have and for the amazing husband and support I had around me.