Tongue Tide + Emotional

I have never been super great with words. I am constantly teased by how bad my grammar is which leaves me feeling hopeless at sharing what this feels like. This past week I have felt overcome with fear. Fear of not getting pregnant. Fear of never being able to provide a biological sibling for Mae. But even more fear of getting pregnant and not getting the chance to hold that baby. Fear of having a normal day end in tragedy.

While pregnant last January I would hold my breath every time using the washroom waiting to see if I would discover blood. After that first Ultrasound we got to see our little baby and image a whole future and know what the next couple years would look like. It happens in seconds! Then they next week going back for a follow up Ultrasound and having my Doctor turn away the monitor and gently squeeze my knee and say he was sorry. Apologize that we had to go through this again before I even understood what he had or hadn't seen on the Ultrasound. I remember exploding into deep sobs and yelling that it couldn't possibly be happening for a fourth time. Saying I couldn't do it, it couldn't be happening again because it would surely break me. I wasn't strong enough. I was already broken and didn't think it was possible to break any more. Having to go home in my maternity jeans and tiny bump (which was larger then normal due to fertility drugs). We waited a week hoping my body would miscarry on it's own, I have this distinct memory of going to the grocery store and thinking no one will know that I'm carrying my dead baby inside me. It sounds so morbid but it was exactly how I was feeling - a vessel for my dead baby, a coffin. Waiting for it to be made officially my nature, looming over my head and when it didn't happen a shred of hope that maybe the doctor was wrong. I finally went in for a D&C the clinic made us pay $2,000 in full the morning of which was basically every penny to our name at this point since just months earlier we spent $6,000+ on our ectopic pregnancy. I was FURIOUS that I had been strict of my emotional sanity, financial security, and baby all at once. This brings me back to my fears and doubts that I face daily and nightly. Dreams that I'm pregnant and waking up actually feeling my stomach thinking it was true. Nightmares of loosing my baby to a miscarriage or still birth. I have learned to manage most of these nightmare through meditation before bed, but the re-play button during the day is much harder to pause. I know living in fear doesn't do any good but I have this fear that even trying to get pregnant is awaiting tragedy no matter that outcome. But on the other hand I get so excited and my mind goes off on how badly I want another newborn that looks just like us. Watch Mae bond with a little sibling, and I get emotionally attached to a pregnancy that isn't even here yet. A couple months ago we had an IUI with 2 healthy eggs and another sort of healthy egg - 3 total. My doctor and nurse were so excited they really thought "this was it" and my period came 10 days late after that IUI. It's something that I haven't been able to shake for months... what happened to those two healthy eggs during that IUI. Was a pregnant just for a moment and miscarried without detection. I'm never that late... never. Something about that experience has haunted me a little, did I have another miscarriage just a few months ago or was this me being crazy and paranoid thinking too hard about everything. But when your life has been designed around your fertility how can you not? So as we go through this journey the emotional darkness I find myself in has been the hardest. No one can really know what it's like to go through what I have, so I find myself isolating myself. Hard to be in groups and act normal, I feel like I can't even relate to normal life when my day consist of pills every 12 hours, injections every 24 hrs, and blood work + ultrasound every 48 hrs. I know I'm nothing special or going through the hardest trial out there, but it's for sure the hardest thing I have ever personally done. But I know its worth it, I look at my daughter now and know 1000% that I will continue to go through heaven and hell to make another one. I hope I can have the strength to do what it takes.